scene but not herd

Last night I watched a movie called THE NOTEBOOK. It was a nice and entertaining romantic movie. You know... boy meets girl, boy loses girl, etc, but it was pretty well done. It's about a couple who meet in the forties and their tale is told by a man to a woman in the present day. There's a bit of a twist, but you can guess it pretty early on in the movie. I couldn't help but think about my parents as I watched it. They celebrated their fourtieth wedding anniversary this past April. It has been a week since my mom died. I know that things have been harder for my dad than me. Just the other day he was looking through some of my mom's things and I could tell it was really hitting him. I think about my mom all the time no matter where I'm at or what I'm doing, but I can't say that I feel depressed. I'm definitely sad, but I'm not going to crawl up into a ball and cry day and night. It sometimes feels like people are expecting me to do that. I can honestly say that life is a little less worthwhile for me, but it goes on. Just last night I was thinking about something and I thought that I should share it with my mom, but of course I can no longer do that. I have an image of her when she came home from the hospital two weeks ago. I put on the cd of Antonio Carlos Jobim's THE COMPOSER OF "DESAFINADO," PLAYS and she was tapping her hands on the bed along to the music. She had her eyes closed and I'm sure she wasn't feeling well at all, but I know she was enjoying that music. I like that image.

Friday night is Of Montreal and Tilly And The Wall at someplace in Hollywood. I'm going to try and make it to this, but we'll see how I'm feeling that night. I haven't heard too much Of Montreal, but it reminds me of poppy, psychedelic stuff like those Elephant 6 bands or even the Shins and Beulah. I haven't heard Tilly And The Wall, but I've read some good reviews and the girls in the band sure are cute. One of the girls tap dances on stage as percussion so that sounds interesting. I'm always game for seeing a nice pair of gams.

Violeta Estrada

01/28/1931-05/24/2005

No more suffering.

When my mom came home from the hospital I thought I would be able to spend some quality time with her before the inevitable happens. The reality is that there really is no quality in my mom's life anymore. She's there in body, but she's not there in "spirit" and that body's midsection is riddled with cancer. I can't have a conversation with her anymore. When she speaks it is barely intelligible. I understand that this is due mostly to the drugs she is on and communication will become even less as stronger drugs enter the scene to relieve the pain that will no doubt come. Sadly at this point, my relationship with my mom is one that is based solely on making her as comfortable as possible. Thankfully I have a good memory so I can reach back into time to relive better times. When we were told that she had only a few months to live it seemed like much too short of time. Seeing her in the condition she is in daily, now I realize that even a month of life in this condition is an eternity. This may seem callous to some, but I have always believed in quality over quantity. To each their own, but I really don't understand how family members keep other family members on life support when it seems that the only thing being prolonged is suffering. When pets start to suffer it is considered humane to euthanize them. Are humans not entitled to that same kindness? Many religious people start throwing out the phrase, "playing God," when euthanasia is brought up, but isn't maintaining someone's life through machines "playing God" as well? Just some thoughts running through my head. Like I've stated previously, my only concern is that my mom not suffer because that would not be fair and she does not deserve that. I don't know how my dad and me are going to come out of this. Physically I can already see a little bit of a toll taken on my dad and me. Emotionally it has been difficult as well, but the realization that her pain will cease has helped to tender that. A nurse has been coming a few times a week to help us out and I can't even begin to tell you how much of a godsend she has been. It's a cliched phrase, but I don't know what we would do without her. This is a rough experience. If you see my mom, the first thought in your mind would not be that she is dying, but that is exactly what is happening and it slowly wipes you out when you confront it daily. I wonder if it is any easier to handle when someone suddenly and unexpectedly dies? No, it is all horrible. I really don't mean for this post to be depressing. It's just what I'm going through and some of the things running through my mind. With a few exceptions here and there throughout the day I'm doing pretty well.

We go from mystery to cold, hard time. My mom has cancer and it is terminal. I'll spare the details, but we've been told she has a month to six months to live. I'm bracing myself for brevity while at the same time hoping that she'll outlive me. I found out yesterday and I'm slowly coping with the news better. Still, if I lose it while talking to you you'll have to excuse me for that because the reality of the situation tends to hit me suddenly and unexpectedly and I can't really control it completely. Thanks for all the kind thoughts. I'll be around. I'll still be going to the occasional concert because music has always helped me through hard times and I'm sure that will still be the case now. My mom should be coming home from the hospital on Tuesday and a nurse is going to be provided to help her out. Right now she doesn't know the diagnosis and my dad doesn't want to tell her. I'll leave that decision to him although I'm sure she'll start to realize on her own what is going on. We just don't want her to suffer at all. She said she wants to listen to some bossa nova so we'll be blasting that over the stereo when she comes home.

I might be done with this blog thing or I might not be. I'm really not sure right now and I don't know if I should even be writing what I'm about to write here. I started this blog to write about two things that I really love, music and movies, hoping to maybe meet some new people who also shared those loves. I guess I've failed miserably in that endeavor, but I still enjoyed the simple experience of writing some of my thoughts down. I've written about THINGS that I love, but now I want to write about SOMEONE I love. In movies and books mystery can be really exciting and intriguing. In real life it sometimes just eats away at you from the inside. My mom has been in the hospital since last night and I still have to wait a couple more days to find out what is wrong with her. At this point I've heard everything from an inflamed gall bladder to tumors on the liver. Of course when you hear the word tumor you immediately think of cancer. I hope that is not the case, but it is a possibility that I have to confront. It's that mystery that is a bit unnerving right now. It's that mystery that makes your mind race out of control. Needless to say my world has changed rapidly in the last twenty-four hours. I guess I'm just writing to relieve some "pressure" from my mind. I shall see what happens as that mystery is slowly exposed and hopefully that "light" will bring calm and a smile to my face.

I'm waiting for a red line train. Enclosed by concrete walls and even though there are numerous people surrounding me I feel completely alone in the world. As I continue waiting for the train and feeling that despondency suddenly there is a build up of wind as the train approaches the station. The breeze gets stronger as a hint of light from the train's headlight becomes noticeable in the previously dark tunnel. The train is now completely visible as it enters the station and the wind is strong enough to make peoples' hair and clothes flap around. For a second I forget where I am and who I am and I feel a little bit of happiness. It is a cleansing of sorts. I'm transported to the possiblity of sitting on a beautiful beach while a breeze pleasantly flows around me. It is a brief feeling of rejuvenation.

The picture above is not the Ahmanson Theater, but it is practically across the street from it. It's the Frank Gehry designed Walt Disney Concert Hall and I love its fluid lines. I went to the Ahmanson to see PLAY WITHOUT WORDS. I guess you could call it a musical although there are no vocals or dialogue. It is only dance and music. It is set in early sixties London and it is about relationships and the duplicity and power struggles within them. To be honest the plot is hard to extract from what you see, but what there is to see makes you not care about the plot so much. The clothes are cool, the jazzy score is cool, the set design is cool. The most interesting thing to me was the dance and blocking. What was also interesting was that a certain role would be played by three different actors and sometimes they would be all on stage at the same time. If three characters were interacting there was a chance that nine people would all be on stage and it was fascinating to watch the choreography make that work. I must say that it was really interesting to see sexual tension and seduction expressed through dance. Nothing says erotic like comely dancers with nice legs prowling across the stage. This was my first experience at a big theatrical event and I did not come away disappointed.

Tuesday I am probably going to the Ponys, Nathaniel Mayer, and the Willowz at the Echo. Nathaniel Mayer is an old R&B singer in the vein of Andre Williams so he should be interesting, although I have read that his voice is pretty shot. Saturday will be the Wedding Present once again this time at the Roxy.